QUIZ: Is Your Boyfriend Cheating, Or Is He Trapped In An Early 2000s WB Teen Dramedy?
You’re dating the perfect guy. He’s popular, smart, and he lives in Sunnywood, a small town about 45 minutes from the Big City. It’s a place where everyone loves parades, community theater, and ice cream socials. While you enjoy attending Sunnywood’s myriad civic functions, the lack of one-on-one time with your new man is starting to bother you.
Just last week, he canceled dinner to paint the welcome banner for the foreign exchange student flying in from the Netherlands (“WELKOM! GOEDENDAG!”). Who passes up a hot makeout session to make signage? Despite your misgivings, his excuse was so oddly specific that you felt compelled to believe him. Still, it’s difficult to parse his behavior. Is he cheating on you? Or is he just a guy getting roped into ridiculous plot lines from an early-2000s WB teen dramedy?
1. He didn’t answer his texts all last night or the day before. When you finally confront him about it, he…
a) gets defensive and tries to flip the script, accusing you of being paranoid and smothering.
b) immediately throws his phone into a lake.
c) claims he’s practicing his magic act so he can audition for the annual town talent show. He appears to be full of latent hobbies. In fact, you learn something new about him, it seems, every Thursday night at seven o’clock right after “Hidden Hills.”
2. Something’s definitely off. He’s being extremely vague about his activities, even though he’s staying at school after hours every day. You decide to stake out Sunnywood High and solve the mystery. Your diligent reconnaissance reveals he’s been…
a) volunteering to help clean up the lab for Deborah, the hot, young chemistry teacher.
b) flirting aggressively with Ms. Amelia Fox, the hot, young geography teacher whose husband recently slipped into a coma.
c) preparing the gymnasium for a charity fundraiser on behalf of Ms. Thurgood, a favorite amongst the sophomores. She has an aggressive blastoma, and the school is helping to raise money for her post-surgical care. You’re relieved, but you wonder: why does his communication style rely so heavily on melodramatic misdirection?
3: Your boyfriend canceled another date, explaining that there’s an all-townie theatrical production of “The Black Swan” that he wants to see. It’s directed by Monsieur Duplass, the only gay man in Sunnywood. You know a lie when you hear one. You also know an outdated stereotype. You call his bluff and attend the show unannounced. Turns out, he…
a) went with his buddies to a show, but it was more of the burlesque variety.
b) bought a lavish bouquet of roses for the lead actress and wasn’t exactly happy to see you.
c) saved you a seat. The choreography was breathtaking, and the dancers were Broadway caliber. You’re beginning to learn that every person in this town is either artistically gifted or works at a corner store.
4: Your boyfriend stood you up for a Friday night movie at the downtown multiplex. You ask what happened and he says…
a) “What movie? I don’t remember making any plans.”
b) “Sorry, babe. Won’t happen again.”
c) “I got lost inside a limestone quarry only to be rescued by the town vagabond who lives in the caves. We hung out for a while, and it turns out that he’s a decorated foreign war vet. I told the Town Council about this quiet act of heroism. The bakeshop owner offered him a lifetime supply of muffins, and the mayor gave him a key to the city! Can you believe it?”
You almost say, “But did anyone think to give him housing?” before cutting yourself off. You can’t keep getting caught up in these constant mini-dramas. You kind of hope he’s cheating.
5: Your boyfriend is attending a funeral. This death seems to have hit him particularly hard. The deceased is…
a) a hot, young waitress who worked in the neighborhood café.
b) his best friend’s hot, young stepmom.
c) his next-door neighbor’s pet raccoon, Mr. Twinkles. The funeral procession spans three city blocks, and the eulogies range from a slideshow of Mr. Twinkles wearing a tophat and tails while riding a camel in the Sahara to a story about how he once danced the Charleston at an estate auction.
6: You and your boyfriend haven’t been on a date in two weeks. You ask what’s been occupying his time lately. He says…
a) “Time is a flat circle” and throws his phone into a lake.
b) “I’ve been with Stassi, my coworker. It’s easy to hang out with her because she’s super chill and doesn’t need to label everything.”
c) “Didn’t you hear? The bakery caught fire! Luckily, nobody perished, but the vagabond who was staying in the shed out back is missing. Some suspect him of arson, but I talked to this guy one time and he’s no criminal. Besides, it couldn’t have been a flashback; Sunnywood looks nothing like Hanoi. Unfortunately, I’ll be super busy for a while restoring this man’s reputation from ‘pyromaniac’ back to ‘town vagabond.’ I’m sure you understand.”
7: Your boyfriend claims he witnessed a low-stakes crime committed during the town’s annual Oktoberfest parade. The police want him at headquarters for questioning, so he can’t hang out with you today. Bummer! As you look into his dumb, dopey eyes, you realize that he…
a) loves Sunnywood more than you, which is technically a form of cheating.
b) is cheating. There is no Oktoberfest parade in Sunnywood, only parades for literally every other international holiday.
c) is being completely sincere. But none of that matters. You literally cannot handle another contrived plot device.
“I’m sorry,” you say. “But we need to break up. This relationship has jumped the shark.”
“You’re wrong,” he says. “According to test audiences, we’ll be doing this for at least five more seasons because I can quickly rattle off snappy dialogue in a boyishly charming cadence.”
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